“Forgive yourself and begin again. In everything you do there are great lessons to be learned and opportunities to evolve.”
-Sara Clark/Sara Clark Yoga
When people tell me to stop overthinking, I tell them to stop breathing. Yeah, it’s like that. I do overthink, and while it can be an asset to me in many ways, it can also be a hindrance to going with the flow. And so it is with my yoga practice, which has floundered as of late in a pool of analysis over why I am not practicing asana. Ugh.
I know I am not alone in this. At least I hope not. I know that for me, the struggle to accept my place within asana practice on the mat runs deep. Runs as deep as my unwillingness to make peace with this body and its inability to move into poses that I believe it should. Even with my beloved props, I still compare myself to some invisible younger version that I imagine can do the poses with effortless ease.
This is the overthinker in me. Perpetuating the lie. The lie that says it’s too hard and I’m too fat. The one that tells me I cannot face myself and my issues on the mat because they damn sure live there. The lie that if I do enough asana, my body will transform Cinderella style into tightness, skinniness (is that a word?) and acceptability.
Been running this lie for a long time. The truth is somewhere in the middle of all this, buried in a mantra that keeps repeating in my head.
Look within. Look deeper.
The me of myself knows it cannot be defined by this body. It is the one that I have been given to house my soul, and it needs to hold a place of honor in my life. My soul does not know skinny, self-criticism or stubbornness. It only knows peace. When I have taken a moment to leave myself alone in this truth, the hatred that I have toward my body melts away. The tears flow from the center of my heart, and I honestly think it is there that I find my yoga. As much as I may want to make this yoga journey about the asana, I know it is not. That is the challenge to myself on the path that I have agreed to take. To live with the contradictions, and to love myself in spite off my confusion. And no matter what, to keep going.